July: Curious Questions vs. Question-ing
Elaine Raif • July 5, 2024
In our previous newsletter, we talked about the benefits of “reaching for a shared experience” during conflict.
Today, we want to share another tool to promote unity and empathy during hard conversations.
When we find ourselves rehashing the same conflict-conversation, it is an indicator that neither of us are feeling understood- So we dig our heels in and explain our perspective again and again and again. And so does our partner.
How do we step out of this tug-of-war pattern? Ask curious questions. Try to remember your partner wants so deeply to be understood, just like you.
Be mindful that curious questions are intended to seek out knowledge, deeper understanding and insight into your partner’s inner world and experience. Curious questions are exploratory and come from a place of interest and genuine care.
Examples:
- When did this conversation take a turn for you?
- What words, actions or behaviors, escalated your feelings around this experience/topic?
- Why is this experience/topic so important to you?
- What else do you need me to understand or acknowledge about this experience/topic?
Question-ing, on the other hand, can sound accusatory and display defensiveness.
- What did I do this time?
- How is it my fault again?
- What do you want from me now?
- Why can’t you just let it go?
When you notice the tug-of-war, push and pull, momentum in your conflict conversation— pause. Postpone making any more statements and replace it with curious questions.
Written by: Elaine Raif
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